Relapse and Relax: Time Travel Paradox Lord When by John Pirillo

Relapse and Relax: Time Travel Paradox

Lord When

by John Pirillo 

"What you need, Binky." Lord When told his faithful robotic companion. "Is a fresh outlook on the universe."

Binky wagged his glowing electronic tail and his bionic brain breathed in a fresh sheaf of nanobites to feed his huge brain, which was situated partially in Lord When's world and partially in a time space continuum that ran parallel to it. It was the only place he could safely backup and sustain his massive computing power.

"That doesn't computer."

Lord When adjusted their time ship and eyed Binky sternly. "Ever since we left that last planet you've been like a rabbit with a bug up its tail. What's eating you?"

"Nothing is eating me. That doesn't compute."

"Then compute this. You need to relax and let go, before you have another one of those Time Relapse and God already knows how many adventures we've had to go on to sew up those rips in time."

"Computes, but irrelevant."

Lord When, who was just a bit over twenty at the time and feeling closer to a million, rubbed his tired eyes and slid his long legs up over the co-pilot chair to get a better fix on his buddy, Binky. The bionic dog, more neutrons, and electrons than physical, had the general shape of a very nice Labrador, but with glowing eyes and glowing tail. He even barked when it suited his mood, though the last time he barked, it took down a whole forest and they had to hightail it into space and time before the natives could skewer them with massively wicked pitch forks.

"It's this way, Binky." He said after a bit of thought. "I didn't pick this job."

"Computes."

"But I do it as best I can. Right?"

"Computes."

Yes. But what doesn't compute is when we never stop to just relax, instead of waiting for another one of those Time Fluxes made by those crazies from the twenty-fifth century to wade into our time stream and jam everything up all the way back to the Ice Age.

"Computes."

"Right, then what's the problem with a little kick back time. Some game playing. Catch a few of the new Avengers movies, maybe Star Wars 100?"

Binky made what was unmistakably a sighing sound. "If I have to listen to one more hour of those dreadful bedeepabeep sounds from R2-D2, I'm going to turn into a black hole."

Lord When laughed. "I got just the solution for you then."

Lord When slid his cowboy hat back from his blonde haired forehead and whacked the control stick into the middle, hurling the time ship backwards in time and space.

"What are you doing, young When?"

"Fixing things." Lord When answered obliquely.

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Timmy and Chandler were having a great time in the small creek that meandered for miles behind their Dad's property. They spent countless hours exploring its depths for catfish, frogs, tadpoles, worms, snakes, chameleons and whatever else they could find that wouldn't bite back or sting them, though they had managed to get a few wasp stings on their last little trip. Both of them still had bandages on the swelling that had caused on their necks.

"Just look at the fish." Chandler cried out, kicking his naked feet into the cold waters rolling down towards the lake further down.

"Next summer they'll be huge." Timmy agreed.

"Big enough to eat."

No sooner did those words leave his mouth than all the fish shot off like a rocket downstream, leaving a stream of bubbles behind them.

"You've frightened them." Chandler accused.

"Well, they would taste good."

Then the trees to their right seemed to bend so low as if to look like they were bowing to the boys and a very strange barbell shaped vessel spun from nowhere into view and settled in front of them. It sat there spitting off steam and smoke from various vents about its body, then a hatch popped in its side and Lord When stepped out. He dipped his cowboy hat to them. "Hope I didn't frighten you?"

"Nope." Chandler replied. "Doctor Who does that kind of thing all the time on TV."

Timmy giggled.

Chandler eyed him. "What's so funny?"

"Doctor Who's not real."

Then Binky came out of the ship, not walking, but floating on a soft cloud of nanolight particles.

"Hello, I am Binky!"

Both boys shot to their feet and ran forward.

Binky tried to retreat, but the boys had their arms around him before he could escape. 

"What a cool dog you have!" They cried out as they smothered a resigned Binky to their love.

Binky gave Lord When a helpless look, then his tail sagged and he dropped slowly to the ground.

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The time vessel shot towards the distant star cluster of Procyon, where a triple binary star with amazing brightness and colors dwelled. They had heard about a native species there that could travel through time and space without the use of any kind of device.

Binky sat in the co-pilot chair, his eyes blinking as they neared the cluster.

"You're quiet, Lord When."

"Thinking cap is on."

"Does not compute. You are always thinking, cap or not."

Lord When slid off the couch behind the pilot's seat and dropped into it. He slid his cowboy cap on and smiled at his friend. "So you have to admit our visit back earth did you a world of good."

"Does not compute. I did not like it."

Lord When slapped Binky on his back and Binky gave him a stare that only a human might. 

Obviously annoyed.

"My annoyance buttons are mounted there and you deliberately annoyed me."

"As you me, little feller."

Binky eyed Lord When thoughtfully a moment.

"You are doing..."

"A joke." 

Lord When sighed and put his cowboy booted feet up on the control panel and slid his cowboy hat over his eyes. "Wake me up, when you get a sense of humor."

"That does not computer."

Lord When laughed. "Guess I'm in for a long snooze then."

Lord When shut his eyes and drifted off to sleep.

Someday Binky would develop a sense of humor. After all, he did have feelings; they were just...well...rough. He could wait. He heard the time ship slip into neutral as it dropped into orbit about the star cluster. After all, they had all the time in the world. He yawned once, then drifted off to sleep, remembering the good old days when he was just a young man hoping for better times and a little adventure. Poor Binky, he just didn't computer what he had just done. He didn't realize that Chandler was himself a long, long time ago in another time, another place where he might have grown up happy and safe. Might have beens. The greatest relapse a man could ever live.

In his dream he saw himself as he might have become and then he laughed. He liked what he HAD become. Screw the past! The present was always better in the long run.